Women and Self-Deprecation
Am I the only woman who feels like a subjugated housewife whenever I do my weekly cleaning? Yes? No? Am I overthinking this? Maybe it’s the feminist crusader in me, but my life feels just a little too 1950’s when I’m scrubbing out the toilet bowl on my Sunday Fundays. To counteract the ghosts of subjugated housewives past, I’ve made it a habit to listen to my favorite fem media during my—albeit, necessary—household chores.
My most recent cleaning spree included hit podcast The Guilty Feminist while I smote a colony of ants that had taken up residence in my bathroom sink (yes, that experience was about as disgusting as your imagination suggests). I was listening to the show’s third episode when podcast host and London-based comedian Deborah Frances-White confronted an oft-overlooked feminist issue: women’s insatiable desire to apologize.
Do women apologize more than men?
Easy answer: yes, and sorry ‘bout it. A study done by University of Waterloo, Canada found that women apologize more often than their male counterparts because men have a “higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.” Yikes, I don’t even wanna know the horrors that have to ensue for a male to consider their own behavior offensive. The study also showed that women self-reported to committing more offenses than the men—type “Aye” if you think the entire female gender should address our guilt complex in group therapy. (Editor’s Note: “Aye”)
Ok sure, women apologize more than men. So what?
On top of being downright annoying, being overly apologetic also diminishes authority in one's career and relationships since it can make you appear weak or incompetent. For example, pretend you have a colleague who sent over the wrong file in an email. A quick, “Hi Moriah, I attached the wrong file in the last email. Here is the correct attachment. With love, Johnny Depp” sounds WORLDS more professional than “I am so sorry Master Moriah, but I sent over the wrong file in the last email. Will you ever forgive me? Please please consider, I do need to feed my children and can’t afford to be fired. By the way, here is the correct file. Apologetically, Johnny Depp.”
While we’re discussing gender, it should be mentioned that there are some fabulous fems who disagree with this article’s premise. These critics claim that women shouldn’t apologize less, necessarily, but rather that men should be apologizing more. The New York Times’ article “No, You Don't Have to Stop Apologizing” explores this thoughtful counterpoint.
Are there other forms of self-deprecation that weaken my feminist agenda and sabatoge my skyrocketing career?
Yes, milady. They’re known as qualifiers—at least that’s what I’ve been told, but I could be wrong, *wink wink*. While psychological research suggests that it’s healthy for us to occasionally poke fun at ourselves with some self-defeating humor, a line is drawn when we appear overly modest (AKA, self-deprecating) in our relationships. Being overly modest often happens when we add unnecessary qualifiers to our stated opinions or knowledge, which can make us appear less confident and can lower our credibility. For example, saying, “I’m not really sure if this is a good idea, but I think we should institute a four-day work week” sounds a lot less professional than, “I think a four-day workweek would greatly benefit our employees’ mental health.” Here is a list of other common qualifiers to watch out for: Unnecessary Qualifiers.
But how can I stop apologizing unnecessarily and ALSO avoid looking like a bitc#?
Fair question. Lucky for you, we have some tips:
Replace “I’m sorry” for “thank you” when an apology isn’t necessary.
“I’m so sorry if this email is too long.” vs. “Thanks for taking the time to read this email.”
“I’m sorry my puppy looks cuter than yours” vs. “Thanks for noticing my hawt dog!”
Advise the men in your life to apologize more.
Perhaps the men in your life just need a gentle nudge in the right direction. If this is a conversation you want to bring up with your loved ones, then by all means, go ahead!
“Hey Timmy, quit picking on your sister” vs. “Hey Timmy! Apologize to your sister for your rude behavior.”
Replace the “I’m sorry” with a solution.
“I’m so sorry, but I picked up the wrong lunchbox. Let me go grab yours.” vs. “Hey Jenny, here’s your lunchbox! I accidentally picked up yours because mine looks similar.”
Depending on the context, here is a list of words and phrases to use in place of an apology:
If you’ve truly made a mistake that’s larger than slight human error, feel free to offer a sincere, authentic apology. This will help you gain trust and favor in the eyes of your colleagues, family, and friends.
So what do you think about compulsory apologies? Should men be apologizing more? Tell us your thoughts in the comments.
WEEKLY CHALLENGE: Ask some of your female friends to name a few “offenses” they have committed during the week. Ask the same question of your male friends. Compare answers. Share your findings in the comments!
Till next time, friends. Peace out.
P.S. If any of you fair readers would like to be published as a guest contributor to the blog, email your pitch to info@gmtw.org, women, men, and non-binary persons included!
Moriah Lee
Moriah Lee is the Content Creator and Social Media Manager for Grant Me The Wisdom Foundation. Her work has been featured in the Chicago Tribune, the New York Daily News, Yale Today, and Bestreviews.com. A recent graduate of Yale University, Moriah spends her newly-minted downtime hiking California’s golden hills and snuggling with her favorite black Lab, Brynn.